My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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