I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
