dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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