We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
