peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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