Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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