Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
