I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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