I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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