Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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