I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
