You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
