you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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