allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
