Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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