I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
