Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
