my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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