My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
