my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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