im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
