If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
COCAINE IS GR8
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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