Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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