Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
