I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
