Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
