if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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