your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
