my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
