Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize