I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
