your room smells of hookers.
And success
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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