If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
