The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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