Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
