that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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