god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize