apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
