I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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