im drinking this country out of the recession.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
