Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
