if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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