Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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