She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
