Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
