He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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