ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
