When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
