I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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