I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
