this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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