the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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