I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dignity is for republicans.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
