I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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