I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
