there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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