i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
