And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize