Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
