Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
