i was born a porn star she said
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize