pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
