I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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