I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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