You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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