I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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