needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
