Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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